i hate my weekly food budget
i hate having to plan meals
i hate the idea of a 2000 calorie diet
everything is so full of sodium. look, this can of campbell’s cream of mushroom (barf my cock) has 870mg of sodium per serving - and there are 2.5 servings in a can for a total of 2,175mg/can. BUT if you get the wal-mart brand that’s kind of healthy there’s like 450/serving and only 2 servings. so making tuna & noodles won’t completely kill me
i hate that i have shitty fucking teeth that can’t chew things like raw carrots. bro i love carrots so much
i hate high fructose corn syrup being in everything and the alternative costing 700% more
i hate my awful relationship with food/money and terrible life skills.
fuck it, i’ll eat turkey hot dogs and udon noodles all week. we all die eventually, i might as well be happy with what i eat.
is there a piece of mighty morphin power rangers… stuff that’s like zordon’s head with a recording of him saying ~recruit a team of teenagers with attitudes~ because that is really what i’m all about.
sam wilson recruits darcy in his efforts to terrorize the avengers tower with 90s music. they just really want everyone to slow dance to bryan adams and all 4 one.
Everybody Listens to Mace and Nobody Dies: A Sunshine AU
"Our sun is dying. Mankind faces extinction. Seven years ago the Icarus project sent a mission to restart the sun but that mission was lost before it reached the star. Sixteen months ago, I, Robert Capa, and a crew of seven left earth frozen in a solar winter. Our payload: a stellar bomb with a mass equivalent to Manhattan Island." Capa says, slightly dazed by the lack of blood in his brain.
Capa has been living with an enormous boner for his bomb for several years now, so his critical thinking skills probably aren’t as sharp as they should be, “Our purpose to create a star within a star. Eight astronauts strapped to the back of a bomb. My bomb. Welcome to the Icarus Two.”
The crew of Icarus II is comprised of very intelligent and highly trained individuals, so one would assume they can carry out this very important mission like the capable people they are. Unfortunately, there is exactly one sane person left on this ship: Mace. Fortunately, he’s mega bossy and a super babe with enormous biceps and blue eyes the color the sea.
What’s that? It appears that the lost Icarus I is nearby! Icarus I disappeared on its way to delivering the payload and no one knows why, which should probably be a hint to not go anywhere near where it’s been chilling in deep space for six years, definitely full of dead astronauts.
They could theoretically meet that ship and obtain a second payload, which they totally don’t need as long as they just fly their goddamn mission as it has been meticulously planned.
All the same, the crew of Icarus II are apparently far too emotional and impulsive for their very important humanity-saving mission. They quickly become enamored with the idea of meeting up with the lost Icarus I which is, by the way, totally not in their flightpath.
Intersecting the Icarus I would require saying “fuck you” to their meticulously planning mission and instead relying on a copious amount of mental math under immense amounts of pressure.
"I’d need to look at all of the carefully, very carefully. But if I had to make a guess right now, I’d say we could adjust our trajectory. We could fly straight to them," Trey says dingusly.
Mace looks around at his crew, all of whom are highly skilled and intelligent, and wonders why the fuck they are behaving like total morons.
"But we’re not going to do that. Just to make it absolutely clear there’s no way we’re going to do that. Do I have to spell it out for you?" Mace senses that he does, in fact, need to spell it out for them.
"We have a payload to deliver to the heart of our nearest star. We are delivering that payload cause that star is dying and if it dies, we die, everything dies. So that is our mission, there is nothing, literally nothing more important than completing our mission. End of story."
The crew of Icarus II listens to their only sane colleague intently, a little bit dazed by how super hot and smart he is.
Cassie speaks first.
"Gosh, Mace. You’re totally right. We should stay on target and complete our mission as planned in order to ensure we are able to deliver our payload and save the human race," she says, common sense overcoming her deep-space induced stupidness.
Searle listens carefully as Cassie speaks, and then looks around at the rest of the crew. As the Psych Officer, Searle understands that considering going after the Icarus I is some hot damn crazy nonsense.
"It would be super silly to jeopardize our mission for such an impulsive and unnecessary detour!" he says.
Mace nods sexily, looking to the chief dingus, Capa.
"Capa?" he asks.
"Well, I have no blood left in my brain because of my massive self-indulgent erection, but I recognize that we should probably stick to the plan and deliver the payload. If we try to obtain another payload my boner will grow to epic proportions and I will probably pass out," Capa says, forcing everyone to look at his stupid fucking face and alien eyes, "Mace is right."
“”, says Mace.
The crew delivers the payload and returns to earth, their oxygen garden providing plenty of breathable air for the trip home.
They are rewarded with the praise of all mankind, free drinks for the rest of forever, and they all probably get laid a lot.
i hate when i’m too comfortable around someone because then my brain thinks its ok to act weird but even then i end up being too weird